Happy Moments
by Wordgawk
Summary: Shaoran announces his trip back home to Hong Kong and Sakura tries to understand her true feelings. Fic takes place near the end of season three.
1. Unexpected News

Disclaimer: Card Captor Sakura, names and places belong to Clamp. I don't own CCS in any way or manner, so um, don't sue. Really.

_Note: There's a name trait among the Japanese that I've used in this story, where very close friends call each other by their first name and acquaintances use last names. Also, keep in mind that I came up with the ideas for this story when the US version of CCS first aired, so I knew nothing of Shaoran's gift and of Eriol. Therefore, both things are not in this fic. _

_This story's timeline happens when Meiling returns back to Hong Kong permanently and before Sakura receives the news about Shaoran's departure. It's a different ending to the TV series, you could say. This is my first CCS fic and is the first time I've tried writing a fanfic in first-person, so be kind in those reviews!_

* * *

Taking Happy Moments

"Hey, Shaoran!" A faint female voice calls from a distance behind me. I'm tired. No, tired isn't quite the word to use. I'm absolutely drained. So much, I can't recognize the person that's calling my name. I'm positive I'm coming down with something. Bleh. Good thing the weather is overcast and not blinding with brightness and sun. I'd be more the zombie than I am now. I probably wouldn't have registered that my name was Shaoran Li.

"Shaoran, hey, can't you wait up?" The voice is right behind me, then walking to my left. "Boy, you're one speed walker. What are you trying to do-" Sakura Kinomoto stops in mid-sentence, peering at my sullen face with concern. She's frequently like that. "Hmm. You're not yourself today."

I crick my neck, still processing that it was Sakura. Upon recognizing which girl it is, I relax. "Tired. Not feeling too great," I reply with little energy. When I'm with Sakura, I don't have to flat out lie like a dog.

"Oh." Sakura momentarily goes silent. Probably thinking of something to say next. She seems to latch on to a whim and starts to turn the lightest shade of pink and she looks straight ahead. "Uh, maybe you'd like some company? I could...I don't know...make some tea?" As if remembering something relevant, she swings her book bag around and rummages through an inside pocket until she finds what she's searching for. She flourishes a handful of small, brightly colored packages.

Already expectant of the questioning look I shoot her with, she says, "Tomoyo let me have some. It's imported." She grinned at the mention of her best friend, Tomoyo Daidouji.

I blink. "Imported what? An inflatable Kero-in-a-pack? Rip open the paper and have your very own nuisance for the day?"

"What?" Sakura stares at me like I'm one confused boy. In many ways, I still am. Seventeen and still not understanding things, like the little child. For instance, out of all the weeks in the year, why do I catch a virus on the most hectic week? And it's not plain schoolwork that's filling my mind, either.

"Nothing. So what is it?" The drug of disorientation is kicking in. My attention span is slowly whittling down to zero.

"I was getting to that," she says pointedly. She begins to chatter. "So, this is imported tea. They came in this cute little box with a lot of different samples and since there were more than one of each flavor, Tomoyo let me have some so I can try them whenever I like at home. It's fantastic, Shaoran! I've never had these kinds of tea before. I mean, have you ever heard of tea made of peppermint? I don't know what that is, but it sounds yummy! And this tea business happened a couple days ago. I forgot all about these until I suggested it now." Sakura finally glances over and her face noticeably drops. "Oops. Guess you're not up for listening to me talk this minute."

I groan at myself, rubbing my weary eyes with the back of my hand. "Sorry. Like I told you earlier, I really feel like sleeping." I frown, looking at Tea Girl in confusion. "Did I say that to you? Or was that in my head?" I suddenly feel hot and weak and maybe not able to make it to my room.

"As far as I'm concerned, that was in your head." Sakura smiles sympathetically, feels around her skirt for a pocket, then realizing her uniform had no such thing, she sighs. As we near the street where we split paths, she says, "So I'll be seeing you tomorrow, then? Let you squeeze in your much needed nap before doing homework."

I consider her departure. As much as I loved heading into my perpetually silent room and slinking down under the covers for a blur of a short sleep and then snapping right up to attention to complete the day's schoolwork, it'd be nice to have someone else as company. Change the routine. Chat for a bit, lounge for a bit, and if the luck still lasted, maybe I could discover an important gold mine of thoughts coming from Sakura's heart.

I say as nonchalantly as I can, "If you like, you can come over for an hour or so. I want to try out that tea you're flaunting." I hope I didn't sound too much like the happy kid I was starting to feel bubbling inside.

A grin shone on the girl's face. "I get to try the tea earlier than I thought!"

"Good thing we're almost home, then." I return the look, trying to push away the creeping headache that would surely swoop in and steal away my thoughts.

We talk more, as people are conditioned to do. I was enjoying the conversation despite the hurtful pulses passing my head. Sakura was the one bringing up the topics of discussion, so it surprised me when she ceased talking at one point. It wasn't one of those comfortable quiet lapses, either. I could feel there was a pressed weight to it. And her focus was kept ahead, as did I; but every so often I would catch from the corner of my eyes, her gaze alternating from the trees to me, then back again. That gets me antsy. "What's with the silence?"

Sakura's head shakes in fluster. "No reason. Can't I stay wordless for a few minutes? Not a crime, you know."

"You can. But I know there's something wrong." I tilt my chin higher. "So what is it?"

Fidgeting begins. "Don't think I'm trying to intrude, but I heard.......you might be going back to Hong Kong?"

I'm so caught off guard that I stop walking. She wasn't supposed to find out until my final decision was made. Of course, that was if I was intent on going. If I didn't, the subject would never have needed to be mentioned. My head was spinning a little crazier than a minute ago, and I pray it's my imagination. But when does unaccounted news never bring about a dizzying result? I start walking again. "Who told you?"

"Meiling. She e-mailed Tomoyo and wanted to know if I had gotten the news of you going home."

My eyes fall. Something about a passing away of a relative I barely knew and since I'd already be in Hong Kong, why not stay and avoid the hassle of returning? I tell her just that.

"When...do you have to decide by?" Eyes on the trees.

I follow her gaze. "A week."

Her head spins to me and her mouth falls open in unhappy shock. "A week!? That's so soon! How-? When were you going to tell everyone?"

I shift my view away. With my forehead throbbing, this was not the best time to talk. In a clipped tone, I say, "Could we not talk about this now? I'm not-"

"Feeling well, I got it." Sakura nods and her shoulders drop.

At my front door, I fumble for the key. Sakura follows behind as I head upstairs to my room. I don't hear Wei so he must be out. I don't bother looking for a note. Wei's been my guardian and I never hear him leave the house to be with friends or relatives. Sometimes it's a nuisance to have him around day and night, so it's nice to be left alone and have the place to myself. 

Surprise washes over Sakura's face when I open the door and my sparse, but orderly room came into full view. I search my mind, extracting whether she had seen it before. Nothing significant comes to mind. "Something the matter?" I say to her as I drop my bag at the foot of my bed. She's still looking around in awe.

She closes the door and blinks, thinking of an appropriate answer. "I just...It's- uh, different. For some reason, I expected it to be...a mess. But it's great that you're tidy. Won't have any trouble looking for a matched pair of socks." She laughs nervously. She walks to my desk, giving the scattered contents a once-over. "But I suppose this part of your room gets the punishment." She then claps her hands together. It's the equivalent of one's nervous tapping of the foot on the floor.

"Now what?"

"U-uh, well, in the rare occasion whenever I'm in Touya's room, he's always warning me to avoid touching anything. So if I do step on a little ball of lint, he goes...ballistic? And I was waiting to see if you'd do the same." Another uneasy laugh.

My attitude turns sour at the mention of the name. "For one thing, I'm not him nor do I ever want to be. And second, I don't yell." I cough. " I... don't get too many chances of having others in my room. Just don't touch everything."

Sakura smiles as she looks out the huge glass of my sliding doors. "Just like Tou-ya."

I barely respond as I am in the midst of lying back. That's when I remember I need to boil the water for her tea. Plus, I couldn't fall asleep! Sakura was a guest and besides, I don't snooze in front of guests. Maybe I did when I was younger, like five, but that was an exception. What did I know about people then?

"The tea," I say wanly, indicating her to pass me the packets.

"It's okay. I'll make it. It's just hot water, right? I'll find everything." She waves the said items in the air. "You can lie down and be lazy. You look like you need it." My door almost closes when her head pops back. "What kind do you want?"

The aching is getting worse. It's squeezing my head like it's in a vice and some evil maniac is slowly winding it up, enjoying the infliction of pain as they turn the crank. My entire body is sore, not just the head. Or was that just an illusion?

"Surprise me," I manage to speak from my reclined position before turning away with a grimace. I'm getting warmer by the minute and I'm not aware of how long I'm lying here with my eyes shut, but a furtive hand brushing my forehead. It's like the soft wind, and I feel the presence leave just as fleetingly. The hand wasn't rough, so I know Wei still isn't home. 

Don't go, my weak mind automatically protests. The faint clinking of teacups gets louder as Sakura comes in. I inhale sharply when ice water stabs my forehead.

"Looks like you've got yourself a small fever, Shaoran. Congrats." A silly smile is my greeting when my eyes force open and I slowly turn the other way around.

"Wha-?" Usually I would shake my head in dazed perplexity, but the heaviness tells me to forget it. Didn't want my head to break off. Instead, I settle for a roll of my eyes and a moan. "And why is a fever a joyous thing? Because the room can turn round and round? Or maybe it's the "I've got the temperature gauge turned a little too high" warmness that never goes away. You think this is fun-"

"Shaoran, stop!" Sakura was laughing as she held a hand up to stop my yammering. "I only said that to make you feel better."

"Better. And the most you can cheer me up with is "Congrats for your getting sick! Here's your award"?' "

Sakura laughs even harder. "Shaoran! You really are comical when you're feverish! Maybe you should have fevers more often! Oh! Forgot to mention; taped on the fridge is a note from Wei." She produced a slip of paper, holding it out.

I motion for her help to prop me up on my pillow. Leaning back against the wooden headboard, one hand keeping the washcloth in place on my forehead, my free hand takes the sheet and I read it with a squint. " 'Went to visit an old...fogy.' "

Sakura snickered. "That's "friend"."

" "Friend. Will be back late-" " I sigh in defeat. "Forget it." 

Out of nowhere, Sakura pops a electronic thermometer into my mouth and takes the note from my hand at the same time. "It's fun being nurse. I can gag you with the thermometer. Also, the rest of the note merely assures you that you'll find your way around the house."

A grumpy sound is my reply. As I'm getting used to the jab of the metal tip under my tongue, she promptly takes it out, tsk-ing at the result.

The Nurse eyes me in sympathy and she sets down the thermometer on my bedside table. "The fever's not that bad. Just a few degrees about normal. Now, time for your tea. Keep the strength up." She reaches for the tray off the small table in the middle of the room. She drops the stern act as she hands me a steaming cup. "I had some trouble deciding on the right one for you. You're such a complex guy."

I hold the teacup as though warming my hands. I stare into the clear liquid, contemplating whether I should take her comment as a joke or a sincere compliment. And whether I should be insulted.

"Anyway, I had to pick one, so I settled on this sleepy type." She sheepishly scratches the back of her head, "Uh, I thought the picture on the front resembled a lot like Kero." A lopsided grin appears. "Try it."

Carefully, I lift the small cup. My lower lip touches the warm porcelain and that action finally triggers my common sense. I bring the drink away. "No way I'm drinking this. Too hot."

A skeptical eyebrow arches. "Then why are you able to hold it if you can't drink it?"

I look down, now wondering the same thing. "Huh. Um, I guess I like its fragrance."

"Glad it's such a hit." The tip of her tongue peeks out from the side of her mouth.

My eyelids inadvertently flutter. "I see you didn't pick yours up," I note, feeling fiery all over. I barely avoid spilling my tea as I set it down on the table with as much care as I could.

"Didn't want to be rude. After all, I'm a guest."

My head lolls back, my heavy eyes descending; this time longer than the last. I try to apologize, explain that I can't focus, but the words wouldn't leave my throat. The pattering of water sounds in my ears. I cringe at the coldness of the familiar cloth comes into contact with my skin. I slide down to my original position of lying motionless, not bothering to open my eyes.

"A-are you sure the fever is small? You weren't lying, were you?"

"You'll be fine. No I wasn't lying." Washcloth dipped into the bowl.

I moan in pain, watching the room tilt, panting lightly. "I should-"

Cool fabric stills my mouth and the mattress shifts as she leans in very close. "Sleep. Talk later." The coolness presses on my cheeks, my eyelids, my throat. I don't protest.


	2. Flying Feelings

Sakura feels funny. Not much more can describe it. Shaoran's gotten worse from the time school let out. Got even sicker during the walk to his home. But that sounds awful! He's not going to weaken so much he'll fade away like a ghost. So was I suppose to leave now that Shaoran was asleep? Somehow, that seems wrong.

A boy lay sick and I Sakura Kinomoto abandon him? Nuh-uh! What if he needs the tea? Falls off the bed and hurts himself? I chuckle at that last one. Such a dignified person Shaoran Li is, and to see him tumble off the bed with a loud thud would be indeed a rare show. One I wouldn't want to miss!

I consider my options what could be done to keep myself busy. I search all over for the hiding clock and finally spot it on the messy desk. Hmm, it's a bit late...time to start some of that homework. That seems a workable plan. I could keep half an eye on Shaoran and do my homework too! But first, I need a snack and a warm cup of tea. I go over to Shaoran's desk where a spot is reserved for the tray and gingerly touch the teapot. I yank my hand away with a yelp, indicating that yes, everything inside is still piping hot.

I creep outside to the kitchen. I feel even more foreign as I open unfamiliar cupboards to reveal unfamiliar foods. After much deliberation, I snag a package of sweet biscuits. Shaoran sounds like a scared puppy as I cross his room, dropping the snack beside the teapot. He appears very much like one, with disheveled, damp hair, clammy skin and a twitch. Maybe the homework thing wasn't going to go through. I ease on to the edge of the bed, cloth in hand. I gaze at his dozing face. At one point, I find myself thinking of that observation that girls made about guys: sleeping = adoration. I never saw how full his lashes really were. They seemed to brush his cheeks, so very delicately. The vulnerability was there, as he slept half-consciously. He would never know it; he was the one unaware.

I could just reach out and touch his face and he wouldn't recoil- I feel my face turn hot. Such thoughts! I was going crazy, that's for sure. A few long pats of water on his warm forehead, then I shuffle over to my bag and take out my notebook. I manage to finish my one assignment for the day while sitting on the floor. I finished some of my snack too before my mind wanders off. I prop my chin with my hand as my eyes pass at the door, the wall beside it, then a shut closet beside his wooden dresser. It was pretty small. Or maybe that was the appearance. Maybe the closet could fit more than it actually appeared! I felt my curiosity growing to find out how much space was really in that closet. And I've never seen into a guy's closet before. The closest opportunity I ever had that even resembled a glimpse is with Touya's.

Standing, I feel absolutely daring as I stride to the slightly closet door. But when my hand grips the knob, my confidence wavers. What if Shaoran wakes up? What in the world would I say then? I glance over my shoulder. Still sleeping. Turning attention back to the knob, I found myself trying to talk my hand into swinging open that door.

I'd be real quick. Just pull it open, take a fast peek, and shut it again. Easy as that! But what if something jumps out at me, roaring like a lion? Big, bad news then.... I shake my head and yank on the knob with annoyance. The door almost slams to the side as it flings open, but I catch it with as a gasp before disaster ensues. I sigh a breath of relief. 

The world of a guy's closet: not very exciting. Some stacked boxes in the corner, some old toys and old clothes. A tingle of excitement sweeps through me, alongside the apprehension. Feeling disappointment, but satisfaction, my hand prepares to slide the door shut when a glint of cloth catches my attention. I reach for it, my mouth opening when I recognize it. His Captoring robe!

I back out with it and lower myself to the carpet, taking in the intricate details. This is the first time I've ever seen his costume like this. I'm almost always in some degree of terror whenever Shaoran unexpectedly shows up and saves me from a Card. So the fright blocks out the insignificant things, but right this moment, I'm not in that state. My heart is pounding, but I know it's only because of the thrill and there's no threat to my life. I stroke the fine silk, falling into infatuation as I see how much detail was put into creating this battle costume. The stitches, the size of a bright orange strip of cloth...there is nothing out of place! None of the threads are unraveling loose and there aren't any tears in the material! Not even a speck of lint! Boy, if my costumes were like that....wow. Especially the non-lint factor. That'd be cool.

If the costume's in my hands, shouldn't... I scoot over to the open closet, searching the floor for the complimentary object. I find the jeweled hat and pull it on, giggling at my image in the mirror that's hanging on the far wall. I put it back....Right in front of the sword. I stare in fascination. It's exactly like the kimono. No lint. I set the garment on the floor, taking the covered sword. I turn it over, scrutinizing it. This was even better than the robe. I can't help but smile when I bat the tassels on the handle, the marble-like sphere inches above them swinging.

With intense care, I slowly unsheathe the sword, still not believing that such a powerful weapon was really in my very hands. I treat it like glass, my hands trembling when I hold it up to the light. The blade glints, the crimson tassels dangling. I let my arms down, putting the sword in my lap. The sharp edge I can feel pressing, almost cutting into my skin and that freaks me out a bit too much so I replace the cover. I set it gently on the carpet and scoot to the table for my cup of tea. It's lukewarm. The teapot is too. I sigh, but I make another. I wait again for my cup to cool down so I settle at my original spot, picking up the kimono. 

How long will I have before I can't see this? When-

"...Heard you might be going back to Hong Kong?"

The question I asked Shaoran earlier burst in my face like a ripe fruit. I had forgot about it. I pull my knees to my body, hugging the robe. Then words Tomoyo had said to me about her schooling at a US university-

"Don't fret, Sakura. We'll surely be able to see each other!" Tomoyo smiled in solace.

I gasp at Shaoran, not believing what I heard. "One week!? That's so soon!"

I shut my already stinging eyes.

"I know, Tomoyo." I smile my best, suppressing my sadness. "We'll meet up again."

Shaoran didn't face me. "Could we not talk about this now?"

When then, Shaoran? When will you bring it up? Half an hour before the plane leaves? I shove away the rising tide of mixed emotions. Anger, sadness, loneliness, panic, uncertainty. Uncertain was the word, all right. A hundred questions crop up at the feeling. When will you really depart? Do I Captor by myself? Am I suppose to find someone else? Have you found another girl already? Shaoran, I need- What if I need-

I can't bear to admit it. I can't! It'd go totally against my world! No sense at all! 

What if I need you?

Clamping my head with my hands, I shake it furiously. Tears threaten to leak from my eyes.

I did fine by myself before you sauntered along. I don't need Shaoran Li, I don't need Shaoran Li! He's such a pest. I have Tomoyo and that's good enough. But then-

"Sakura? What- are you doing?"

All thoughts of Shaoran being an idiot vanished in a blink. Oh no. Oh no, oh no, oh no... I cough a few times, swiping my sleeve across my eyes. "S-Shaoran?" I turn halfway to find him struggling to sit upright. "It's only been-"

"Two hours." Shaoran rubbed his hands on his face, dispelling the lingering sleep.

"T-two?" One look at the clock confirmed it. An hour for the homework, and.....another for the snooping. When it was meant to be two minutes. I laugh, nervousness showing. "Oh, it seems to be. You shouldn't get up! You're-"

"Doing better. I'm feeling a little better." He suddenly squints past me. "My-"

"Tea's cold!" I interject loudly. "You should get yourself another cup. Actually, I can get one for you. Would you like a cup?" I am now acutely aware of the heaviness of the silk in my lap. My leg jerks, my shin knocking against a hard sword handle. I curse in silence, but not at the twinge of pain.

"What are you- Why is my sword out?" Shaoran slides off the mattress, dropping to his knees directly behind me.

My hands tighten on the sleek fabric as I turn back to the closet, my eyes focusing on a small knot in the hardwood floor. Then I wouldn't be seeing his expression. "I-It was out- So I thought I could see it for a minute."

"Outside of those closet doors? Right in the open?" It was clear by his tone that he would not be fooled.

"I-I-I just saw it and picked it up. I wasn't paying attention," I stammer to the wall.

"And my robe!"

I jump a foot high when his face comes into peripheral view. "Th-that-"

"Was out too?" Glassy, but glaring coffee eyes bore into me. He sits his weight right in front of my face so I'm left with no choice but to look at the middle of his shirt. I didn't dare raise my vision to meet his angry glare.

"Why is everything out? Especially my sword! What were you planning to do, chop lettuce with it? And my battle outfit- How were you planning this? Come on over so you can raid my room?" His breath had quickened and I vaguely wonder whether it's from the effects of the fever or his provoked hostility.

"No I don't! You are blowing this out of proportion! All I wanted to do was take a look, not travel the country!"

His voice lost a bit of its explosive edge as he breathed in deep. "And why did you want to venture a look?" 

"W-well, I've always thought it seemed really nice and I wanted to see it closer. So I..." My eyes glue to the dark material. I finger the fine stitches, run my hand down the delicately smooth silk. I trace the contrasting ying-yang design and the thick golden lining. I've completely frozen up! This is not a good thing! My lips part open...my voice....why won't it sound?

"Took it from behind the closed doors?" The tempered male finishes sharply.

"Shaoran, I didn't do anything to it. Nothing's happened. It's still in the same shape." I raise it as if he couldn't see it.

Shaoran's fists ball. "You did do something to it! Y-you touched it! You're holding it, which means that y-your scent is all over it and-" His face then flames the deepest shade of crimson I have ever witnessed on him.

"And....what?" I hold my breath.

He teeters back and forth, his hands winding. "And...it'd- if-" In frustration, he shook his head, "when I wear it, it'll remind me of you." He looks down.

I don't think I answer. I think I may have fainted sitting up. When I regain the ability to work my vocal cords, I whisper very strained, "I will miss you so very much when you leave. And everyone. They'll be gone too..." The lines and patterns on the kimono wiggle and blur and when it clears, I see darker stains of green the size of raindrops. I let that image burn freshly into my withering heart. Against my world! Doesn't make any sense!! I don't want to go through this pain! I clutch the softness tighter against my body, pushing my face deep into its depths, letting out a shaky sob.

I want to stay in that isolated world, that one that didn't care so much about loved ones' departures. Like the child that doesn't understand well enough but goes along with whatever Mother instructs because they would be left behind if they didn't follow. But it wasn't like that for me. I wasn't young like that anymore. I had to move on.

The warm fabric unexpectedly moves, and something warmer, firmer, takes its place. I don't want to be seen, not in this pitiful state. I want to flee and hurt and kick something hard. Want to stop so many changing things so much more but have no power at all, no matter how many Cards I collected, no matter how brave I became. More warmth encircles me and I bend my head down, burying my face deep into the compassionate depths.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Oh, please Sakura, stop crying. I can't stand it. I can't stand it either. I swallow hard, trying my best to console her while resisting the urge to break down myself. What in the world just came out of my mouth? Was that a confession?

I grip her shaking form closer. I didn't care about the sword or the robe anymore. In two minutes, everything changed from a petty belongings quarrel to a full-blown emotional ride. 

"Tomoyo leaving, no doubt....smart... Kero..."

I snap out of my reverie, realizing Sakura was weeping something. It was muffled, and I only caught on to the last few snatches of words.

"Kero?" I shut my eyes, feeling a wave of heat. I felt lousy enough without the sickness. And I felt halfway decent a minute back. "What about him?"

Sakura's head lifts slightly off my shoulder. "Kero's the only friend left. And even so, he's not exactly a real person. He has to stay a stuffed animal if anyone passes him." Her head drops back down. "Sorry about the robe. And everything else. Oh!" Sakura breaks away -even though I'm not ready- and lays out my kimono beside us. "Forgot about it. Not wrinkled." She tries to smile. Her eyes are red-rimmed and puffy. She looks miserable.

And it was my fault. "It's all right. The whole mess." I apologize as she stands shakily and reaches for the tea tray. She doesn't look at me as I rise too.

"Okay." Hot liquid streams into a cup.

I blink. Something was up. "I um...aren't feeling the best and so I'm bound to say things."

"I know." Sip. No eye contact.

I want to talk more, add something else. But I can't think of anything. Before my brain even registers what my hands are doing, I had placed them on her shoulders. Bad move. Sakura gasps and jerks away hard, and the tea spills onto her. She cries out as both of us jump from the startle.

"Ow, ow!" Sakura instantly clutched her legs, almost dropping her teacup.

"You okay?!" I didn't know what to do. Get some ice? Take her to the bathroom and run the burn over cold water? Or call an ambulance and explain that a girl nearly burned herself to death because I was insane enough to touch her a second time? "What can I do?" I ask nimbly.

She inspects the burn on her legs, which was only some reddened skin. She sighs in relief. "It's fine. I'll be fine."

Will you? I think sadly, considering the hidden connotation. I nod at the open meaning. "Let me help-"

"No!" Sakura shoots out. She immediately looks embarrassed as she wipes her eyes and hastily places the cup on the tray. "I don't want to have another accident."

"Paper towels." I leave and return with some.

"Could I uh-" A faint blush spreads across her cheeks as she gestures to her clothes.

"Clean up? Right. The bathroom is down the hall." I hand her the stack.

"No, I mean...can I borrow something of yours to wear? I-It's too cold walking out in the evening with damp clothes. I'll be leaving soon and I'm sure I won't be done drying by then." She dries herself, then tries the wood floor.

Her request sounds very surreal. No girl had ever worn my clothes before. Not even a jacket, when relatives' babies got cold or something like that. "S-sure." I walk over to the open closet and shoot her a sly look. "Any preferences? Since you've seen through my closet."

Sakura's redness deepens. "I did not! And uh- well no."

"You sure about that?" I sing. It feels better to joke around, to see her smiling again. I flip through my meager array of clothing, eventually handing over a pair of pants and a shirt. She changes in the bathroom.

I appraise her when she comes back in. The pant legs aren't incredibly long, which made tripping down the stairs less of a hazard. While she stuffs her skirt in her bag, I stoop to gather up my robe. The tears that had fallen on it were faded. Then the crazy idea came. "Do you want to try this on?" I blurt.

"Really?" Sakura's green eyes light up even as they crinkle with some puzzlement. She claps her hands. "You won't get mad, right?" She holds out her arms in acceptance.

"Hey, I'm offering. Unless you change your mind." I pretend to snatch it away, my face hot.

"No, no! Let me!" She bounces in her spot.

I ceremoniously hand it to her. She giggles like her usual self and holds it up against her body as she scrutinizes her appearance in the full length mirror. "I think I'll need some help. This kimono's too complex. Look at all these little extras!" She shook the tiny bell on the left sleeve.

"I'll give directions," I say with a smile. 

"No peeking!" Sakura closes the curtains on my windows. "You turn around. And shut the door."

It took a short time, and soon forest green was wrapped around her. She stares at the reflection, smoothing over the material. "It's so beautiful. The arms are huge, " she held one up for emphasis, the sleeve hanging, "but it's so nice." She faces me, posing. I have to laugh.

"You...look very pretty." My face heats up for the second time in less than ten minutes. "Even though you look a lot like me, there's some differences." What I did I just say that out loud for?

"What?" She looks down the outfit. "How so?"

My face reddens even more at unspoken observations. "Um....tiny feet. And the hands....way too small....um..." I tap my chin, hoping to come across as thoughtful and not nervous, scrambling for more silliness. "Your hair accessories- Do you want me to go on?"

I love making her laugh. Watching her childish smiles.

"I think I'll pass!" Sakura turns back, twirling a few times. She looks like a spinning green flower. I sigh, loving to see her so carefree. Something I couldn't be. "Take it."

"Huh?"

"The robe. You can borrow it for the night if you like it so much." I look down. I felt so much better, almost in perfect health!

Stopping cold, she stares at me like she had just heard she won the lottery and was expecting the announcer to say any minute that it was all a big fluke. "Are you serious?"

I nod, suddenly feeling very sure. "I'm not going out today."

"Oh thank you so very much!" Sakura throws her arms around in in a hug, holding me longer than I expect. "I'll have to hide this from Kero when I get home." She let out a gasp, jumping back with huge, panicked eyes. "My gosh! Kero! H-home! Don't tell me I was suppose to be-" She finds my clock and a small shriek escapes. "I should have been home almost an hour ago! Oh no no no no! Hoeee!!" Sakura bolts to stuff her belongings from atop the table. She never stops her speedy pace until she was confronted with the challenge of packing in the kimono, and even then it was quick. She simply folded it neatly and found room to squeeze it in.

At the front door, I suddenly felt even more shy. Was I suppose to hug her goodbye? Shake her hand?

She made the decision quickly as she hugs me a second time. "Thanks again for the beautiful robe. Did I mention it was nice?"

"You did." I pleasantly beam. I couldn't help it. "And....you're welcome."

Sakura's sunny smile grows even wider, her eyes softening at my words. "Wow. I think that's the first time you've said that to me. Or anyone, now that I think of it." When she jogs to the the sidewalk, her faint voice calls out, "I'll take good care of it! Don't you worry! It'll see you again!" A wave of the hand, then she ran.

  


--------  
A/N: What happens when Sakura gets home? Will Shaoran's kimono really see him again? Stay tuned for the next chapter! 


	3. Snacks and a Little Sleep

Let me just say, it was a good thing I realized the time. When I got home, Touya raged at how I was so late. And as always, my father didn't even raise his voice. He knew I was over at Shaoran's house, but naturally I wouldn't admit what I had been doing! The non-school related events, anyway. I fed a half excuse to Touya.

"Studying? And what were you studying?"

"Math." I chose the subject Shaoran was best at. And my worst.

"And you're late because of it??"

"Tou-ya! Stop it! What do you care so much, anyway?"

"I think I have a right to care when I see my sister wearing guy's clothing!"

My mind goes blank. I forgot! And that's one thing I can not hide! "I spilled some tea on myself, okay? That's the reason why."

"Pul-lease! Oh I know you!"

Dad was laughing. "All right, all right, you two stop. Sakura's home and in one piece and dry, so there's no more need to worry. Give us a call next time?" He raises eyebrows in my direction. I nod. As soon as I run upstairs to the safety of my room and close the door, I lean on it and sigh heavily.

"Sakura! Where've you been?!" Kero's little face pops right in front of mine.

I wave a hand in irritation. "No 'hi'? I feel appreciated, Kero." I drop off my bag and collapse on the bed. I couldn't contain the smile that crosses my face. Shaoran was so nice to me. It was astonishing...

"Oh right. Hi." He floats to the bed, hovering over my chest. "Now can I ask?"

"I was studying, if that can answer your question. Didn't you hear the roaring of Touya from up here? He was doing that, you know." I close my eyes.

"I heard him. I just couldn't hear you. But from the one-sided part of the conversation I did hear, I think you went to that annoying brat's?" I hear a pause and feel him glancing me over. "And according to the new pants and shirt, I'd say yes."

"Yup. He wasn't feeling the greatest though." I thought of how amicable Shaoran had been. Not simply because of his lending of the robe -which was incredible enough- but particularly during my breakdown. My breakdown. It was pitiful, really. I never planned on weeping in front of him. I just remembered the walk to his apartment, then Tomoyo, and then everything crashed...

"Uh-oh, you're getting that pensive face," Kero sounds thoughtful, concerned. "You were grinning just ten seconds ago! What is it?"

I open my eyes. He isn't in front of me. I find him beside my head, sitting. "Nothing. Just thinking."

"Thinking never constitutes as "nothing thinking". There's always a thing."

"No really, Kero. I just...don't want to discuss anything right now. I should probably-"

"Sakura! Dinner!"

I gesture at Touya's voice. "Eat. I'm starving. Shaoran's not the best host. Only tea and biscuits." And those I had to get myself. "I'll bring you back something. Dessert?" I smile in what I hope is an engaging way and go downstairs.

I eat my dinner, being a bit quieter than usual. Dad picks up on that and asks what's wrong, I respond that I'm thinking of school when I am so very not. Dessert is a special treat. A sweet and fluffy strawberry cake. It's so scrumptious, I down two slices before cutting a third for a certain hidden beast. Not without some playful hassling from Touya about getting fat, first. 

Kero lets out a whoop as soon as he catches sight of the treat. He digs in right away and I open my backpack, turning my back so he can't see its contents. I don't even need to be worried. He was in heaven and barely noticed crumbs falling on the bed, let alone anything green in my bag. I laugh at his bold lack of table manners. I stare out the window, watching the sparse clouds hanging in the darkening sky. No stars out yet.

Shaoran, how are you doing? I hope you're better. Boy, it's going to be strange tonight. You won't be with me to help. Just like the very beginning.

------

Capturing was no cakewalk. Tomoyo naturally asked if Shaoran was going to with us when I arrived alone, and I had to say no. Normally, Shaoran would either already be with me or would show up halfway, and that helped. I was very let down when I finally got the Clow card Sakuraized because it took a long time and I was quite tired at the same time. I was consoled by Tomoyo and Kero, and that cheered me up some. 

At home, I get ready for bed. As I climb in, Kero says, "You did well today, Sakura."

"I guess." I pull the covers up to my chin. Silence passes. Then, "Kero, what if Shaoran weren't around? And we had to do the capturing like today, without his help? I mean, you saw how I did today. Not my complete worst, but it took so long."

The winged animal snuggles into his miniature sleeping bag inside my open desk drawer. "But you will have help. Shaoran will be up and fighting in no time. And what's with this sudden "what if" question?"

"No, of course not!" I shut my eyes, not wanting him to catch on to anything in case he looks my way. "Just a hypothetical question. You're the one always preparing me to expect the unforeseen, right? So that's what I'm doing."

"There's nothing else?"

"Positive. Just looking ahead." ...At what I have to do once Shaoran's gone. And my best friend. But I don't want them to. What say do I get in this deal? Absolutely nothing. Just a big sad shock and no say. "I'm really tired."

"We can talk more tomorrow. G'night." A tiny yawn followed.

"Good night." My eyes remain closed, but I knew sleep wasn't going to descend easy. I just kept thinking and thinking. Mainly of Shaoran. And in all these weird ways, ways that I've never considered him before. At least an hour passes before I sit up. I quietly slide out of bed, going to my bag. I take out the heap of silk and examine it in the faint moonlight. I can hardly make out details, but it wasn't really important. I wasn't going to stare at it the rest of the night, that's for sure. I slip it on, suddenly feeling warm about wearing something of his. The visit...It had been a very long time since I'd heard him joke so freely. Or was the first time? It's been so long. Maybe he is under more stress than I think. Maybe that's why he got sick at such a time. And maybe I'm just analyzing this just a little too much.

As content as I could get tonight, I finally sleep.

------

"What the heck!?"

"Mmm...what?" I mumble, still half in my dream world.

"Wake up! And do some explaining, please!"

My heavy eyes open slowly. I must be really weak. My pajamas are like lead. Dragging. And there's a lot of it. Just like my mess of blanket which trails on forever. Hmm, I don't remember buying this set of pj's before. They feel like absolute heaven. So soft. So why wouldn't I have gotten one? 

"You're up. Good. Now to the explaining!"

My arms flop to my sides. I sleepily focus up at the ceiling, blinking away fatigue. "What'd you get me up for? And what's with the yelling?"

An insistent tugging on my sleeve was his answer. I lift my head, then see myself. I sweatdrop, finally understanding what Kero is so neurotic about. "Oh man." My head drops back down.

"So what's this? Correct me if I'm mistaken, but that outfit resembles a very distinct appearance to a certain person who we've come to know and love."

He was being sarcastic, but that last part creates a funny sensation in my stomach and I laugh outright at it, earning a strange look. "Look, Kero-"

"I'm looking! What do you think I'm doing?" He crosses his small arms.

I sigh. "Okay, okay. He was sick, and because of that, he knew he wouldn't of been able to Captor last night. So he let me use it. He knows I like it."

"Use it? Like it?" Kero's tone turns dull.

"Yeah." I sit up. "I've always liked the kimono so he let me borrow it. It's like one. End of story." 

Kero's head shakes. "Okay, I get the point. Well, now that you're up, you might as well get going."

"Go? Go where?" I sit up straight.

"School, maybe?" He says as if this should have been obvious. He points at my clock.

"Hooeeeee!"

--------   
A/N: In the next chapter, Sakura has some girl chat and girl thoughts. Please review! 


	4. Admitting Truth

"Hey, Sakura. Psst!"

My head lifts, and I glance over upon Tomoyo's warning tone. She inclines her head sharply to the front, frantically raising her eyebrows. I follow her anxious gaze and freeze up. Terada-sensei is glaring impatiently at me, apparently awaiting an answer to an unheard question.

"Kinomoto, are you planning to be studying what's outside that window for the rest of this period or are you actually going to turn some attention to this class?" His tone was not friendly. He must have been calling me for a long time.

"H-hai. I-I mean I'll study in here."

Mercifully, the bell rings. I'm still burning with embarrassment as I pack. As Tomoyo and I head outside, she turns her attention to Shaoran who is a few paces behind us and says, "You feeling better Shaoran? Heard from Sakura you got sick."

Shaoran nods. "I'm doing better."

I didn't want to turn around. The flood of disastrous memories from my visit hit me. I can't look at him.

"Hey, Sakura. Could I talk to you? Privately?" Shaoran suddenly asks.

And you just had to make this harder. I give Tomoyo a look. "Tomoyo, I'll call you tonight?"

Shaoran coasts up beside me as she walks off, his expression slightly agitated. "Um, I was wondering if you had brought- You know."

"Yes. Here." I hand him a smaller bag from within my backpack. I don't glance in his direction. "I'll see you tomorrow."

"Sakura!" I had gotten about a foot away before his hand grabs my arm. "What's with the cold shoulder? What did I do?"

I shake his hand off, finally looking into his face. "Nothing. It was something I did. Look, I'm sorry about what happened last night and I promise never to do it again. I had a lot on my mind and it just came out."

Confusion spread on Shaoran's face briefly, then his eyes drop when he understands. "Oh. It's okay. I did the same. I mean, I said a bunch of things." Then he examines me, his perpetual dark eyes deepening. "You all right? I mean, in class you were kind of...spacey."

"So you're telling me I can't go off daydreaming during class?" I'm completely confused, but not at the question. Shaoran hasn't asked me very often how I've been. Except for the rare occasion during card captures. But that was typical. Action equals consequence. Hurting myself equals being asked if I was hurt. For some people, inquiring of a person's well-being is hardly anything but their nature. But Shaoran was not one of those people.

"I didn't say that! I just want to know if you're doing okay. What's wrong with that?"

"You've never asked me how I am. If I fall off a roof getting Cards, okay, then you ask. What's with this sudden change? Becoming a brand new Shaoran now, aren't we?"

He broke the link, staring off somewhere else just as I anticipate. "I just wanted to know. Considering last night."

"I told you! Last night was a mistake! I had a ton on my mind and you moving away was only a small part of that. So don't think that you're the only thing that's taking space in my head." As soon as the words come out, I think twice whether they are sincerely true. I make a frustrated gesture with my hands. "Look, I have to get home. Touya was not especially happy when he found out I was with you." I did a military turn and walk away.

"You're not the only one, you know!"

I stop abruptly, turning slowly. "What's that?"

His mouth opens, then forces shut. His eyes narrows as he turns away. "Forget it."

I shrug, leaving him.

------

"I see. Well I'm sure he was in a bad mood or something."

"But Tomoyo, it just didn't sound friendly," I say doubtfully into the receiver. It was late evening, and I was catching up on the past week's' events on my cordless phone, flopped out on my bed.

"Doesn't he always sound that way? I'm sure by now you realize he's not always the nicest sometimes."

"I know. But there's just something different." I could hear myself starting to get whiny.

"Maybe you read it wrong. Maybe you were just tired."

"I was fine. I was the one nearly yelling at him, so maybe it was my fault." My tone subdues.

"You're overanalyzing this too much, Sakura. Just relax, already. Oh," Tomoyo suddenly snaps her fingers. "What did you give Li today?"

"Give?"

"You know, that bag from your backpack. I saw you hand something over to him."

"You saw that?" My eyes raise to the ceiling as I turn warm at the other end of the phone line.

"Well?"

"Uh, it was just a sweater I borrowed," I quickly reply. "Was a little cold when I came back from his place from a study session."

"You studied with him? When did this happen?" Tomoyo's voice borders a hurt edge.

My thumbnail makes its way to my mouth. I thought I told her. I said it to her already. Didn't I? "Didn't I tell you that?"

"No. The only thing you've told me was that he was sick. Nothing else." Defiance fills her tone.

"Sorry, I thought I did. Been busy." I deflate, feeling bad for her.

The faint chime of the doorbell sounds and soon a familiar voice greets Touya from downstairs. I immediately recognize its owner. "Guess who's here?" I don't wait for an answer. "Yukito-san!"

"Well, you go off and have some fun. Just don't break a leg in excitement when you're coming down the stairs." 

"Will do! I mean, I won't. Break a leg." I frown. "Never mind." A quick good-bye, then a click. I feel a bit happier as I look in my small table mirror, fixing my tangled hair with a brush. I smile for effect.

"You're not gonna go all haywire around him, are you?" Kero asks in a skeptical tone as he paces in the air near my moving arm.

"Nope. And I don't go crazy in front of him any more. That's embarrassing." I set down the brush and smile even wider. I stride out the door, the chattering voices growing louder as I descend the stairs. For some reason, I stop as soon as Yukito's smiling face comes into full view. It is strange stuff. I know the bell isn't for me, but I still have that expectance that it is. Or maybe it's just wishful hoping that somebody would unexpectedly drop by and it's like a present that they would be all for me.

"Konnichiwa, Sakura!" Yukito Tsukishiro greets when he sees me.

I still recall when I told my hidden feelings for him a few days ago. And he responded nicely, very gently, which made the outcome more bearable. I didn't expect anything less. We've gone through thousands of different experiences in our lives...I wonder if he'll still remember my confession when he's an adult. Declarations like that coming from the young girl I am are bound to be forgotten in such the maturing mind. Shrugged off like old news. Who knows?

I wave. "Konnichiwa, Yukito-san. Come to get Touya out of the house? If you are, that's very helpful of you."

Touya moves a pointer finger in the air as he turns to me. "Kaijuu, Kaijuu, when will you learn? You'll never be rid of me that easily."

I don't even bother getting into the routine comeback. But between transforming cards and sorting out all my jumbled feelings and thoughts about most everything, I could seriously consider myself as some sort of monster. But if I admitted that to Touya, he would just plain not understand. He'd come up with some stupid made-up psychology, and listening to it would be more of a strain than keeping silent.

"Forget it." I wander and sit on the living room couch, hugging a throw pillow before laying back with shut eyes. I hear them move into the kitchen, Yuki naturally asking about a snack. I jump when I realize someone is sitting with me.

"Something wrong, Sakura?" Yukito's soft voice inquires.

"N-No. You just scared me." Which was true. Wasn't he in the kitchen seconds before? "I thought you just went into the kitchen with Touya."

He grins sheepishly. "Turns out your dad has an urgent errand that has to be done riiiight now so Touya's busy with that. I want to eat with him so I'm waiting." His smile lessens. "But I meant...inside you. You seem sort of sad. Something troubling you?"

I feel my eyes staring. "What do you mean? I'm just lying here." I hold the pillow up high. "With my comfy friend."

Yuki chuckles, but doesn't let me off so easy. "In your life, I'm talking about. Like Tomoyo. And the others. Oh, and Li."

My stomach clenches at the name. "Well...they're doing well." Great answer, Kinomoto. Real explanatory. "Uh, they're fine. Tomoyo's pretty excited these past couple days because she got accepted to a bunch of universities and colleges. She was so surprised when she was accepted to one of the universities she wasn't expecting to get into." I hug the pillow as I add, "It's in the States. It's kind of far, huh?" I feel the coming of a lump in my throat and I try to laugh it away.

"Yeah. Is she going to that one?"

"I'm- not sure. I haven't asked yet." I don't. I don't want to ask because I'm afraid of what'll come next. But I already know. I don't need to be told at all...

"And him?"

My stomach tightens its grip even more and the persisting aching in my throat was forcing tears to rise. My job at restraining them fails and when they hit the surface, I fake a very large yawn, knowing that eyes water whenever one did so. I rub the back of my hand over my eyes. "I'm not sure about him, either. I haven't talked with him too much lately." Again, another true statement. But not the pure truth.

"And what about you? Anything exciting like Tomoyo?" 

I clear my throat, the nagging sensation subsiding slightly. "Not as much. I'm still waiting for replies. For now, I live my life vicariously. I get bits and pieces of happiness from everyone. I'm a big pot." I giggle at my words, not exactly sure if I meant what I had just said. "Other than that, just the usual." I observe his tall, seated figure. Cream-colored sweater over navy pants. Very casual. So very close to me. "And you?"

"About the same. Not too hectic. It's nice. I get to relax a bit."

I nod. I press the pillow tighter, imagining it him being the one I'm holding. My face turns hot and I pray, pray, pray that I'm not red. The laugh that escapes just kills me. My hope isn't long-lived as he says puzzled, "What's so funny? You're so red. Are you feeling all right?"

"Uh...It's just- I can imagine you spending your free time in all-you-can-eat restaurants. Stuffing yourself." I improvise, laughing again to avoid the latter question.

"I think I can imagine that too!" He joins right in.

I wasn't sure how long we were chuckling for, but Touya is suddenly right beside Yukito, frowning down at me. "And what's the big joke?"

"Hey, Touya. Just my eating habits." Yuki pats the top of the pillow and stood, his attention to his friend. "Shall we?"

Touya nods and Yukito gives me a final wave before disappearing out the front door. As soon as I hear it shut, I sit up, wishing I could have done that. Walk out the door and forget about everything within. Because just up the stairs and through one of the doors, the reminders of everything I am and need to be is right there once I enter the room. Kero is waiting now, probably bored unless there's a video game. I suppose spending some time in my room wouldn't do much harm.

Kero was shooting me with this expectant look for me to burst with speech when he saw me. When I didn't explode in rapture, he seemed half disappointed. "Aw, no news tonight? For sure I figured there'd be something of interest to hug your pillow for."

I shake my head. "Sorry to let you down, Kero. Yuki had to leave pretty quickly."

"Gotcha." Kero was about to turn his attention back to the video game he was about to flip on, but must of seen something on my face for he pauses. "Did you um, get any goodies while you were down there? Or did you finish them on the way up here?

Just chatted with Yuki. No snacks. Whimsically, I go to my desk, opening the top drawer that held the magical book. I open the cover and finger the fancy script on the back of the cover.

Something's bogging you down?

"Nothing."

"Yeah, um, that's subtle. A sad face really shows nothing dreary is spinning inside your head."

"Come on, Kero, can't you just give it a rest for once? Can't I keep some secrets to myself?"

"Sure you can. It's just a friend's right to know what's up when one of his friends looks gloomy." Kero looks dignified.

Friend's...right? "I don't get it." My stinging annoyance eases into confusion as I turn. "What do you mean?"

Kero sighs patiently. "If a friend is down, get them to tell you what's going on and then you can try to cheer them up," he says, matter-of-factly.

"I see ." I shut the drawer, book safely back inside. I go to the window, looking out at the rain that had began to fall, at the somber clouds. I didn't say anything for the longest time. Only stared out. "Shaoran's leaving."

"What?" Kero sounded taken aback.

"Yeah. In a couple days. So that's what's been taking space in my head. Happy?" I say peevishly. I slump to the floor in a mourning heap, still facing the window.

"Why didn't you say anything to me? Why did you keep it all inside?"

"I don't know!" Tears steak down my face as my head hangs. I pound the floor with a fist as I slide down to the carpet face first. "It's not fair! Why does everything have to be like this?"

"If you're mad because he's leaving, tell him."

I shrink. "It's not about him I'm so mad at. It's everything. Everyone's leaving and I can't do anything about it!" My shoulders shake. My throat hurts and burns so much I can't speak. I just let myself cry silent, pained tears. At one point, I feel a large head nuzzle against my cheek and my teary eyes discover that Kero had transformed into his true winged form, saddened golden eyes peering into mine. "I know. It does hurt."

I throw my arms around his neck, my crying now audible. He truly did understand. He said goodbye to Clow even though he hated it. "At least you won't leave me. Isn't that right?" I sobbed.

Kero did not respond. His nose nuzzles the back of my neck.

"That's right," he finally answers, very soft. "It's my destiny." 

  
--------   
A/N: Will Sakura be happy again? Find out in the next chapter! 


	5. Maybe It's Not So Horrible

What do I do? I just don't know! I can't believe the week has almost gone! I don't want to leave! I groan as I head to the school after tripping out the front door of my house. It was the end of the week. End of my stalling. Wei told me I should say my last goodbyes to my friends before I leave. I have to say something to Sakura, but what?

In front of the shut classroom door, I hesitate before pulling it open. Tomoyo's in her usual spot, chatting with...Sakura. She's already here. A tug resists in my heart and I shove it away, going to my desk in the familiar corner. As soon as I sit, Sakura suddenly stops talking with her best friend and fiddles with her belongings.

Tomoyo watches her briefly before she says to me, "Li, konnichiwa. How was your night last night?"

Something funny was in that question. Her voice didn't sound casual. It was planned, lilting. "All right," I answer cautiously.

"Good. Don't go studying too much now. You may turn more into a crab than you already are." She turns to her notebook, scribbling in it.

I frown in bewilderment. " 'Crab'? What's that mean?"

"Tomoyo, stop. You're not helping!" Sakura hisses at her.

Another strange thing. Sakura's never like that. At least, not very often. And when she is, she's certainly not in the best of moods. I take out my notebook and pencil case and methodically take each individual item out from the case. Why am I waiting? But I can't decide what ot say yet. But I have to, have to. My head drops into my hands.

"Shaoran."

I nearly fall out of my chair. There's my name again. Coming from the same mouth as before. Sakura's head is inclined to me, gazing in weariness. Tomoyo has conveniently left her desk to the other end of the room. "Yes?"

Emerald green eyes lower. "It's time."

I stare down at the whiteness of my open notebook, uncertain of what to say.

She tries a smile for me. Almost bravely. Then I have to say it. "Are you...feeling okay?" Hearing those words feels foreign, but it's a kind I can tolerate. It doesn't bother me much. "You...didn't get much sleep last night?"

"I'm okay." She doesn't volunteer any information about sleep. 

I lean forward. "So-"

The ringing of the bell cuts me off. Sakura shrugs. "Class."

So when the day does end, it comes to no surprise that I'm even more in my slump than this morning. And even more surprising to me is that Sakura actually speaks once we're outside. By ourselves.

"So when do you leave?" The question is tossed, almost careless. 

"You want me to?" I'm in confusion. What was going on with her? Just a week before she had been weeping all over my shoulder and now...this reaction? 

"Wanted to know. What's the big deal about that?" 

"Well," I retort a bit angry, "From the way you sound, you like the idea of my leaving." 

"Hey, what are you getting your buttons all pushed for? I was only asking!" Now Sakura is the one getting upset. 

"Never mind." I shake my head a little. I don't even understand why I went crazy. My eyes shut tightly. Everything hurt. "Meet me at the playground near the school. In an hour. I...want to tell you something." 

"In an hour, then." Sakura formally bows, then leaves. 

I head home and clean up and an hour passes like minutes. When I arrive, Sakura is already seated on a wooden bench, looking down at some birds near her feet. Hands folded in her lap, legs square to her shoulders...her expression is so forlorn that a lump rises in my throat. I was silent when I got to the park, but she still looks up.

"Hi." I go to her, lingering before finally sitting. As if the birds can tell a serious conversation is about to be initiated, some flew off, wings beating the humid air. A few stray behind, as if eavesdropping. I vaguely wonder if they could understand the human language, but the thought left as soon as it came. "Been here long?"

"Dunno." Sakura says listlessly, her attention on the birds.

I rub my thighs apprehensively before taking in a breath. "I'm leaving in two days."

She hardly responds. "Do you ever wonder if birds can understand us? I mean, if we go out and play and they see us, do they know we're doing just that or do they think we're dancing funny?"

My heart snaps clean in two. "It'd be interesting if they could comprehend our actions," I carefully answer, wanting so badly to stop hurting myself and her. 

"So this is how it's turns out." Sakura turns away, struggling to hold in her tears.

"I'm-"

"Sorry? It won't make you stay. So don't say it." 

My eyes lower. "What else can I say?"

"Nothing. You say nothing." 

I remain silent for a very long time. "Can you look at me? I don't particularly like talking to someone's back."

Sakura whirls on me, her eyes shining with diamond tears. "For what? So I can take a nice one last look before you go? And I'll never see you again?"

My face is drawn, voice small. "Stop it."

"Why?" She snaps sharply, causing me to flinch. "So you don't have to hear the truth? You can pretend that it doesn't hurt me at all if I don't make a peep?"

"Stop it! Stop it!" I cover my ears with my hands, eyes squeezed shut. "Don't talk about this like I'm not a person! I'm the one leaving! You think it's just you that gets hurt?" My hands ball at my sides as I jump up. I glare, amazed at how I could go from saddening calm to fuming anger in only a few seconds. "Only you?"

Sakura's face goes blank like I'd just slapped her. She was so intent on winning, so intent on blaming me. She forgot that I was the person most affected of all. The tears that slide down her cheeks are quiet, defeated. "I didn't realize. I'm-"

"Sorry?" I mock her words dryly, unable to stop myself.

Her face turns red as she sniffs. "Yeah."

I walk to a large oak tree some feet in front of us, running my hand down its gnarled and rough trunk. I don't want to see her cry, to see what I had done with my own hand. 

"Please don't go."

Her voice was close, so close it was practically beside my ear. "I can't."

"Why? Couldn't you say anything to stay?" 

I try to push away the ache of her desperation. "I do truly need to leave. I put it off before for a little while, but now I can't." I face her, slowly. "Believe me."

Sakura nods miserably. "I have to."

Filled with a glow of making amends, I try to sound cheerful. "Hey, we can still keep in touch."

Sakura holds up a hand. "Don't start. I know the drill."  
  
I deflate, leaning against the tree for support. "Two days. That's the time I have left in Japan."

"Two days." She swallows hard, more tears flowing. She covers her face with her hands.

"Oh, Sakura." In a stride, I had her with me, her head buried in my shirt. Her shoulders shake and she tries to pull away, but I hold on tight. Luckily there's nobody around so she could cry all she wanted without onlookers. 

"I-I can't believe it," Sakura trembling voice catches as she regains her breathing.

"What?" 

"This day. It- It's come so quickly. I tried not to think about it. I really did!" 

"I think you did pretty well," I say hoarsely, knowing I did the exact thing.

"But then the time comes and that's when I think about everything. All the little things, too."

I pull away, perhaps too quick, my face burning at the rage of mixed emotions churning inside me. I get both of us walking down a cement path, wondering what next to do. What to say. 

"Do you...need help?" Sakura said first. 

I look at her questioningly.

"You know, packing and that sort of stuff." 

Her request as a nice gesture. But I don't think I'd be able to handle her going through my belongings and handing them over to me one by one while the sorrow on her face is just unbearable. And even though she knew me...I still feel some sort of invasion of my privacy. An automatic defense. 

"I'll be fine. I don't think I'll need to be packing a whole lot anyway. You know how I am with efficiency." And she does. I'm the one always yelling at her to hurry up when doing things. I always had to rush. 

"Right. But if you do..." 

"You'll be the first." A moment of silence is me, then I suddenly say, "Will you miss me a lot?" 

Sakura's eyes shift over, not looking overly surprised at the thought, but most certainly at the delivery. "Always." 

"Not always. Don't make it like that." I abruptly stop, hands fisting and opening. 

"What?" She stares at me in bewilderment. 

"I don't want you to expect me back. Don't pin your hopes that you'll see me again one day. You'll....you'll drive yourself crazy waiting. It might not happen. I....Just live on like I was a friend who moved away." 

"And so I don't get the choice of waiting for my distant friend?" 

"Please. I just don't want to cause you this much pain. I'm leaving, and that's all I want you to expect. Nothing more." I feel strangely chilly. "No strings attached," I add in a whisper. 

Sakura's response is startling. A sad chuckle rose from her throat, a closed hand on her chest. "You're sweet." 

The iciness draws away as a wave of heat passes through my entire body. "Um, you're not mad?" 

"If you're this considerate?" Gazing with incredulous eyes, she firmly shakes her head. "Not at you. There's no way can I be mad at you if you tell me that truth. You didn't leave unannounced and let me pine over you, maybe years. At least this way......I'm prepared. And I won't be so angry at your leaving for so long." 

We walk again. Somehow, we end up in front of her house. No set decision. Just fate. It may as well have been this way since I was planning to walk her home at one time or another. "You're here," I announce upbeat, aloof. 

"Us. We're here." Sakura begins pushing me from behind, knowing I'd resist. "You're coming in." 

"No! I don't-" 

"You may not do this again. Maybe ever." 

That was cold splash of reality. Which made me spin around and grab her by the shoulders, forcing her to stop. "I'll go." 

"Good. I was going to get you into that house in any way. Including my special way." She lifted the necklace pendant from under her shirt, showing her Star key. 

"And that would've won me over." I roll my eyes, feeling immensely better. 

"Of course. I could've put you to sleep and then easily drag you in. But that's already telling. Whoops." Tucking the necklace under her collar, she moves to the front door and fumbles around for her house key. "Coming?" 

"Yes. Right now. Sure." I don't move. 

"There's nothing to be shy about. Nobody's going to bite your head off." 

"Only your exceptionally nice brother who's oh-so-fond of me." 

"Well, I'll knock him on the head if he acts up." Sakura laughs. "Pinky Promise." 

"I trust you. No need for the pinky." I cross the space between us, planting myself solidly on the doorstep. 

"Then welcome us." Sakura opens the door, her smile angelic as she sweeps an arm through the open doorway. 

  
--------   
A/N: Goodbyes are never easy. Last chapter to come! Review please! 


	6. Hurt and Love

_So now I'm here and soon you'll be somewhere else. Your time has come to go...So has mine...And Tomoyo's...Everyone must leave and I don't want to say goodbye yet. But I need to. _

No matter how much it hurts. 

"Sakura! Sakuraaaa!" A light and happy voice breaks into my thoughts. It's a beautiful new day with bright rays of sunlight and just the right amount of breeze. The perfect day to spend at the park. One should be in a great mood when all these elements fall right into place. But I'm not. I came to the park some time earlier, not wanting to bother Tomoyo and her end-of-year excitement. So it was a surprise when I heard my name as I waded fingers through the chilly fountain water where I was sitting at. Someone as perceptive as her would have discovered me sooner or later. She was no clueless person. 

"Sakura, there you are! I've been searching all over for you!" The buoyant dark-haired girl waves as she approaches, her shoulder bag bouncing off her hip .

_I'll miss that wave too._ I note glumly, a habit I seemed to have picked up lately. I'd point out at any and all the things that I'd miss when everyone went their separate ways. Certain singing birds, the way the classroom desks were arranged, chalk which remained on the blackboard from the previous lesson. This was not a friendly way to cheer myself up. 

"Tomoyo, hey. How's it going?" I try to sound happier than I am. 

She plunks down on the stone next to me, her grin still on her face. "Great. It's a beautiful day, I'm assured to be heading into a great university, and right now I'm talking with you! What more could I want?" 

I can think of a hundred things, but I only echo her listlessly. "Right. What more would you want?" 

"Oh, Sakura what's wrong?" Tomoyo's sweetness touches me deeply with that one simple question. Or maybe I'm wanting some attention and care this moment. Whatever the reason, I burst into tears.

"S-Sakura?!" Tomoyo says, startled.

My breath keeps coming out in these gulping gasps and I have to tell myself repeatedly that I have to slow the breathing or soon I'd need a paper bag and perhaps an ambulance. After a struggling minute, I calm enough to speak again. "Sorry," my voice strains, "didn't mean to go off like that. I'm just...thinking about the end of the year. The school year, I mean."

Tomoyo turns very quiet. "I have too. The past couple days."

"But you-"

"Seem so happy?" She glances at me knowingly. "I know that's what it looks like. And I am, but that's because I was accepted to that university. And after that happened, I thought about everything else. Leaving the other girls, leaving you, leaving my mother." A chuckle came. "Even leaving Li crossed my mind as sad."

"Shaoran." The word came without restraint. "It's Shaoran."

Tomoyo's lavender eyes soften. "I'm right, aren't I? That study session you had the while back had more to it than you let on." 

I nod. No point in hiding it from her any longer. "I found out he did care for me very much."

"I care for you too," Tomoyo says softly. "I want have a lot of fun before I leave. And we'll definitely keep in touch. The cell phone I gave you, e-mails, and visits!"

Her sunny tone makes her suggestions sound so bright! I can't help but have my spirits raised. She's telling me the same things Shaoran suggested to me before. Only now I was willing to listen. "I'm sure you'll find a way to reach me. You always do!"

She drops on her knees directly in front of me and shook my knees. "Pu-leaaaase? Tell me tell me tell me??"

Her behavior is so unpredictable that I laugh. Crazily. It felt so good. "My s-s-secret, Tomoyo!" She wouldn't stop shaking me.

"But it's been a week! I can't stand it! I need to know what happened with your study date with Shaoran!" More vigorous shaking emphasizes her point.

"S-stop! I'm going to dunk in this water if you don't stop it! And no, no, no! My secret! And it wasn't a date!" My feet attempt to shoo her off by tiny kicks, with some success. Tomoyo falls over backward and once she got laughing, I had to join in.

"So you're never going to tell me, huh? That's okay." Tomoyo still beams.

"Yes, Shaoran's little homework session was more than homework!" I blurt, feeling the sudden urge to rush words out my mouth. Like there wasn't enough time left in the world. "He showed me that he was human. You know, feelings. He even laughed." I told Tomoyo it all, relishing this caring moment.

"Wow, I really did miss out! But thank you for telling me."

I nod, the rush in my veins still flowing. I jump up and take her hands, my eyes training on hers intensely. "Sleepover. Tonight. I don't care who objects, you're coming over. We'll do everything. Pig out, dress up, make-up, create a whole new us- Maybe a new Kero too! Oh, please please please??" I beg, bubbling with juvenile excitement at my idea.

She stands and enthusiastic bouncing and some twirling is her reaction. Then she leans to me, whispering, "Definitely! Yes yes yes! And how about your magic? Can I seem them in action too?"

I laugh. "Like never before."

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

I blink, my head turning to my bedroom window. It's late in the evening and I'm playing around with my Chinese robe, trying not to think too much. I put down my deep emerald costume and rise from the bed, brushing away my dark bangs with a careless hand. I push open the sliding window and for a full minute, I can't believe what I'm seeing. 

The night is raining petals. 

Pure and rosy, they fall, some caressing my face as the wafting wind blows them to me. The city isn't being showered, but only my apartment. But why? Why so precisely? I look down and see a happy Sakura and videotaping Tomoyo giggling at the sight of me from their spot on the sidewalk. Sakura holds up the Flower card, showing me one of her beautiful smiles. My view goes upwards, seeing a young girl with short curly hair and a fluffy outfit beam a similar smile before disappearing in the thin air, the last of the rose petals streaming.

"What do you think you're doing?" I try not to sound reprimanding as I grasp a tiny handful of the flowers. I'm not irate. This is a great surprise.

"Taking a walk. We'll be on our way!" Tomoyo answers, not sounding repentant the slightest.

"The card just slipped out of my hand! Sorry about that!" Sakura's innocent grin is priceless. "I'll come by tomorrow morning to see you off."

"Before 10am, okay?" I call back. "I'm leaving for the airport then."

Sakura nods and I wave as they leave, the warmth of the petals in my other hand clutched tight to my chest.

And the warmth is still with me as I stare through the plane's tiny window, out to the flying clouds. They're like white puffs of cotton candy. A blush crosses my face as my fingers touch my cheek, right on the spot where Sakura had kissed me farewell.

I will miss you so much, Sakura. I'll find a way to you again, no matter what.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

On the ground, I stare across the airport and onto the speck of a plane that Shaoran is flying on. I watch it until it merges with the blue sky and the clouds and keep watching it until nothingness. Though sadness is pressing on me and tears are rimming my eyes, little by little I feel myself smiling because a thought comes to mind. One that has always pushed me forward. One I know will be true because I've always believed it with all my heart:

_I'll be okay...for sure!_

THE END


End file.
